[nagi] home away from home
my first post at chillicrab !! would you believe it ? just 5 more weeks to go - no, not talking about christmas but, yes, this is also a story about a baby boy being born. We have been to a total of 7 parental classes already – 2 more to go and after that we are on our own. that would be to say it is up to monica and i to put things into practice and into perspective. we had the national health service [NHS] provide 2 classes and the others by an organisation called birthlight. well, i cannot say all of them were useful in the sense not every class taught us something new. most of the classes from birthlight were, to us, revision materials. well, there are exceptions. this one class purposely titled workshop was of paramount importance to monica – and to all the other lovely, expectant souls out there.
this lady who runs this class, a brit, seems to have strong tantric & yogic ideologies. her words were full of encouragement and at 40, a mother of 4, she looks a perfect 10 and more active than [let me say] most of the girls & ladies I have known. breathing, converging the mind – all meditative doctrines - seem to be the trick. it is true, when we are sad, ill-tempered, in pain – what ever – take a few deep breaths and your outlook changes, almost instantly.
our midwife was supposed to give us a house visit yesterday at 09:00 am [tuesday] and by 02:00 in the afternoon she had not. monica called her on the mobile and got a strange message that she is on compassionate leave for 1 week. i thought something must have happened to someone in her family. monica went to the milton surgery to see another midwife and there she found out that our regular midwife's father had passed away. our commiserations.
so, what do they teach us on the parental classes ? some of the couples who attend the classes are downright nut cases. attitude is everything: if you think right, do your home work properly, then the baby will have a pleasant genesis and the mother an easy, relatively painless, delivery. no need to veil yourself ever on this. know what is coming and be equipped. some of the insensitive arseholes talk nothing about what we can do to make things better but rather about how some utterly disparate incident might bring about the end of the world. we have people who pretend to be statisticians – giving in percentages the rate of still birth in the UK. we have morons criticise midwives and doctors – and these noble souls never had anything to do with these wretched humans !! i & monica, we are very pleased with our midwife. she is never in a hurry. always explains the questions we ask. never assumes anything about us – and does ALL of this with a wide smile. i would like to think all midwives are like her.
we learnt about the phases of labour. i think i comprehend most of what was talked about and most importantly i think i cannot overlook anything that was mentioned. if i hear the word blood i would faint, i am usually that sort. not that i have changed much – but i am better prepared to stay by monica's side while she delivers. of course, yovita would be a good help. between stage 1 and stage 2, there is something called transition. end of stage 1 is what they define as full dilation of the cervix to 9 or 10 cms. this is when the woman has the urge to push – but MUST not. this they say, is the hardest and the painful part of the labour.
docile women, women who never swore in their life, women who spoke nothing harsh ever – this is what men are supposed to watch out for. you shall hear expletives and will be abused with intent [you got me pregnant, you bastard !!!]. the law provides full immunity to the woman for what ever she may do at this stage. wear a guard around your testicles and may be a chest armour. most importantly, if you are passionate about your own life, DO NOT ask the woman are you doing ok honey ? thankfully, this lasts no more than a few minutes. if you push, you will tear your perineum. alternatively you can ask for an episiotomy. no, i will NOT clarify what these are. go and find out from the internet yourself. when the midwife explained what those terms were, i almost collapsed. i swear to God, my head went fluffy.
the best bit was the class on feeding babies. it was given to us as if it is a recipe for some cooking class. anyway, here is what they told us
Ingredients required:-
1 – Baby
1 – Mother
1 – Pair of breasts
please note: may NOT substitute husbands or partners in place of babies – no matter how convincing those bastards happen to be. even if they say “one breast for me, one for the baby”, you shall not.
Method:-
[1] Hold baby as shown in diagram [A], diagram not attached.
[2] latch baby on to nipple
[3] feed baby for a minimum of 2 hours
[4] repeat [3] every 4 hours.
WHAT !! 2 hours ?
monica faints.
this lady who runs this class, a brit, seems to have strong tantric & yogic ideologies. her words were full of encouragement and at 40, a mother of 4, she looks a perfect 10 and more active than [let me say] most of the girls & ladies I have known. breathing, converging the mind – all meditative doctrines - seem to be the trick. it is true, when we are sad, ill-tempered, in pain – what ever – take a few deep breaths and your outlook changes, almost instantly.
our midwife was supposed to give us a house visit yesterday at 09:00 am [tuesday] and by 02:00 in the afternoon she had not. monica called her on the mobile and got a strange message that she is on compassionate leave for 1 week. i thought something must have happened to someone in her family. monica went to the milton surgery to see another midwife and there she found out that our regular midwife's father had passed away. our commiserations.
so, what do they teach us on the parental classes ? some of the couples who attend the classes are downright nut cases. attitude is everything: if you think right, do your home work properly, then the baby will have a pleasant genesis and the mother an easy, relatively painless, delivery. no need to veil yourself ever on this. know what is coming and be equipped. some of the insensitive arseholes talk nothing about what we can do to make things better but rather about how some utterly disparate incident might bring about the end of the world. we have people who pretend to be statisticians – giving in percentages the rate of still birth in the UK. we have morons criticise midwives and doctors – and these noble souls never had anything to do with these wretched humans !! i & monica, we are very pleased with our midwife. she is never in a hurry. always explains the questions we ask. never assumes anything about us – and does ALL of this with a wide smile. i would like to think all midwives are like her.
we learnt about the phases of labour. i think i comprehend most of what was talked about and most importantly i think i cannot overlook anything that was mentioned. if i hear the word blood i would faint, i am usually that sort. not that i have changed much – but i am better prepared to stay by monica's side while she delivers. of course, yovita would be a good help. between stage 1 and stage 2, there is something called transition. end of stage 1 is what they define as full dilation of the cervix to 9 or 10 cms. this is when the woman has the urge to push – but MUST not. this they say, is the hardest and the painful part of the labour.
docile women, women who never swore in their life, women who spoke nothing harsh ever – this is what men are supposed to watch out for. you shall hear expletives and will be abused with intent [you got me pregnant, you bastard !!!]. the law provides full immunity to the woman for what ever she may do at this stage. wear a guard around your testicles and may be a chest armour. most importantly, if you are passionate about your own life, DO NOT ask the woman are you doing ok honey ? thankfully, this lasts no more than a few minutes. if you push, you will tear your perineum. alternatively you can ask for an episiotomy. no, i will NOT clarify what these are. go and find out from the internet yourself. when the midwife explained what those terms were, i almost collapsed. i swear to God, my head went fluffy.
the best bit was the class on feeding babies. it was given to us as if it is a recipe for some cooking class. anyway, here is what they told us
Ingredients required:-
1 – Baby
1 – Mother
1 – Pair of breasts
please note: may NOT substitute husbands or partners in place of babies – no matter how convincing those bastards happen to be. even if they say “one breast for me, one for the baby”, you shall not.
Method:-
[1] Hold baby as shown in diagram [A], diagram not attached.
[2] latch baby on to nipple
[3] feed baby for a minimum of 2 hours
[4] repeat [3] every 4 hours.
WHAT !! 2 hours ?
monica faints.
posted by Dingleberry Delight | 7:49 PM
1 Comments:
I have to correct Nagi on "transition" stage. It's NOT when the woman has the urge to push. The urge to push might happen during this transition stage, but that doesn't always happen. Transition stage is when the cervix is almost fully dilated but not quite yet. We're told that this is when the woman feels very emotional and feels like giving up. Apparently some women have a distinct transition stage, some just went through it without realising it.
Post a Comment
<< Home