Groom's speech ?
So, this is what happens when you attend weddings - Weddings where your best friends [grooms] give fabulous speeches prompting Monica to be overwhelmingly annoying.
Monica: Nuggie, where is your speech ?
I: Eh? What speech ?
Monica: The speech you were supposed to give on our wedding day.
I: Huh ? You never told me.
Monica: It is not part of our custom.
I: Then why ask ?
Monica: Uh, I don’t know – Hypothetically, had our wedding been in the UK, you would be giving a speech.
I: Hypothetically I am not listening to this nonsense from you now !!
Monica: .. flips to her side and pretends to sleep, angry of course ..
I: Oh fuck, ok. I will write you one. Three years too late.
Monica: Hi hi hi hi hi. It has to be public.
I: What the !!!!!
Monica: Yeah, you would be reading it to everyone at the reception, hypothetically.
I: Hypothetically ? It is more like pathetically…
So, this speech hypothetically should have been read on the 8th of July 2002. Three years too late, but to please some idiot of a woman I will do anything. I have tons of design work to do, but obviously this one carries higher priority.
As any engineer would do, I did a search for wedding speeches in Google and I actually found loads of ready prepared speeches on the internet. But to my chagrin, none of them were about a couple called Monica and Nagi. So, I after all had to pillage and plunder words from here and there to craft this hypothetical speech.
Dear guests, guests distinguished & guests of no particular distinction, family & friends both young and old, colleagues, freeloaders, brothers & sisters – I welcome you all to our wedding reception.
I read somewhere that a speech should be like a miniskirt - Short enough to keep people interested but barely long enough to cover the essentials, if you know what I mean. I do, however, have one or two things I'd like to say and in that process a few people to thank. Do sit back, relax, loosen your clothing if it helps but please do not fart.
On this day in 1630 BC, the Greek island of Santorini was destroyed in a fire – nothing to do with Monica's cooking thankfully, volcanic eruptions the cause, I am reliably informed. And, on this day in 2002, you have made this wedding even more fabulous by gracing our reception and are about to hear the finest Groom's speech of your entire natural life. But as I am now pronounced married, Monica thrust a piece of paper in my hand shortly before we arrived here and commanded me to read out from that instead – or else you will be sleeping on the couch tonight Nuggie. So, this speech turns out to be nothing more than subdued and ordinary.
So far, today has been a day beyond my dreams. They say you don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you can't live without, which is very true with Monica. So my first thank you goes to Monica, my friend, my love and my bride. You look absolutely dazzling. I should be used to that look now as Monica always dresses to kill, its just regrettable that she cooks the same way - to kill. You knew the whole lot about me and yet you were foolish enough to say, I do. Thank you. [fool]
For the very first time, I'd like to say, On behalf of my Wife and I, I would like to thank every single one of you for coming today and sharing our special day.
I would like to thank my parents, who are no more, for they have been an inspiration to me all my life. They have been the very definition and manifestation of the word sacrifice in all its substance. For everything you have given me, for all that you taught me, for all the times I kept you worrying and for your never ending loyalty and love, I thank you both. You should undoubtedly receive a medal for endurance.
I would next like to thank my parents-in-law for their warmth and generosity and special thanks for helping with all of today's arrangements. Bar the initial hiccups, they have welcomed me into their family and never neglected to look after me as they would their own son. For this I am very grateful and I thank them.
I would like to thank my sisters Krithika & Renuka, my brother Ragho and my uncle Rajagopalan for coming a long way to share our day today. Their maturity and sense of awareness have helped me stay afloat during turbulent times as well as when I was simply being frivolous. They have played as much part in conditioning my life as my parents had in the past.
My thanks to Zita and Yovita for putting up with me and for quickly reconciling themselves to the fact that I will be their brother-in-law someday. A word of caution, those of you seated along with Yovita, eat quickly – else you will go home hungry tonight.
I would also like to say thank you to a few of my friends who have arrived here from overseas, Helen & Jean Augustin in particular. I also extend my thanks to the wedding organisers and the photographer. Don't forget to use powerful flashlights; you will need them.
Thank you all very much for the many cards I noticed at the entrance and for all the wonderful gifts, including some cheques. They are all much appreciated although you could have been more generous with the cheques.
As part of my research I discovered that according to the tradition in India I am supposed to sing the bride's praises and tell you all about her many good qualities. Well, that won’t be happening for two reasons: [1] I can't sing. You don't want me to sing, I promise you. [2] There aren't too many good qualities for me to actually put them into a song.
Just as I was entering the building, I recalled my father-in-law giving me some words of caution during our meeting at Singapore in September 1999. I thought he was just trying to scare me, but he was all right about Monica.
He said, I will give you:
One daughter in perfect condition with NO guarantees, NO warrantees, NO spare parts or accessories. Some extras provided though. Keep her topped up with only posh food. McDonalds, Pizza Hut and such are NO go zones. Shower her with expensive jewellery and lavish her with trips to exotic far away places. Likes cartoons and behaves childish way too often. Has a tendency to get irritable if she doesn't have the final say on everything. Sings loudly and does not shut up sometimes. Gets bored easily, keep busy with a constant supply of chores.
So, I presume – if my sister had to offer Monica any advice on who I really am, it will go like this.
She gives Monica:
One brother, assembled in a hurry. Sold as seen, no refunds under any circumstances. We've redecorated his room, changed our locks and even our phone number. We won't take him back - now you're stuck with him. The discolouration is not dirt. Vigorous scrubbing won't help, he is naturally black ! Gets de-hydrated quickly. Top him up regularly with plenty of red wine.
Well, that's me all done.
Back in 1901, U.S. president William McKinley was shot by some weirdo for making a long speech. Now I don’t much believe in signs and omens, but there is no point in tempting fate. I think I'll sit down. Thank you all very much.
Disclaimer: For the most part all of this would be original. Bits and bobs stolen from here and there in the public domain. 100% original work for something that is hypothetically supposed to have happened in 2002 ?? NO way !! [Nuggie, you are sleeping on the couch tonight !! DOH !!]
Monica: Nuggie, where is your speech ?
I: Eh? What speech ?
Monica: The speech you were supposed to give on our wedding day.
I: Huh ? You never told me.
Monica: It is not part of our custom.
I: Then why ask ?
Monica: Uh, I don’t know – Hypothetically, had our wedding been in the UK, you would be giving a speech.
I: Hypothetically I am not listening to this nonsense from you now !!
Monica: .. flips to her side and pretends to sleep, angry of course ..
I: Oh fuck, ok. I will write you one. Three years too late.
Monica: Hi hi hi hi hi. It has to be public.
I: What the !!!!!
Monica: Yeah, you would be reading it to everyone at the reception, hypothetically.
I: Hypothetically ? It is more like pathetically…
So, this speech hypothetically should have been read on the 8th of July 2002. Three years too late, but to please some idiot of a woman I will do anything. I have tons of design work to do, but obviously this one carries higher priority.
As any engineer would do, I did a search for wedding speeches in Google and I actually found loads of ready prepared speeches on the internet. But to my chagrin, none of them were about a couple called Monica and Nagi. So, I after all had to pillage and plunder words from here and there to craft this hypothetical speech.
8th Julliet 2002
Dear guests, guests distinguished & guests of no particular distinction, family & friends both young and old, colleagues, freeloaders, brothers & sisters – I welcome you all to our wedding reception.
I read somewhere that a speech should be like a miniskirt - Short enough to keep people interested but barely long enough to cover the essentials, if you know what I mean. I do, however, have one or two things I'd like to say and in that process a few people to thank. Do sit back, relax, loosen your clothing if it helps but please do not fart.
On this day in 1630 BC, the Greek island of Santorini was destroyed in a fire – nothing to do with Monica's cooking thankfully, volcanic eruptions the cause, I am reliably informed. And, on this day in 2002, you have made this wedding even more fabulous by gracing our reception and are about to hear the finest Groom's speech of your entire natural life. But as I am now pronounced married, Monica thrust a piece of paper in my hand shortly before we arrived here and commanded me to read out from that instead – or else you will be sleeping on the couch tonight Nuggie. So, this speech turns out to be nothing more than subdued and ordinary.
So far, today has been a day beyond my dreams. They say you don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you can't live without, which is very true with Monica. So my first thank you goes to Monica, my friend, my love and my bride. You look absolutely dazzling. I should be used to that look now as Monica always dresses to kill, its just regrettable that she cooks the same way - to kill. You knew the whole lot about me and yet you were foolish enough to say, I do. Thank you. [fool]
For the very first time, I'd like to say, On behalf of my Wife and I, I would like to thank every single one of you for coming today and sharing our special day.
I would like to thank my parents, who are no more, for they have been an inspiration to me all my life. They have been the very definition and manifestation of the word sacrifice in all its substance. For everything you have given me, for all that you taught me, for all the times I kept you worrying and for your never ending loyalty and love, I thank you both. You should undoubtedly receive a medal for endurance.
I would next like to thank my parents-in-law for their warmth and generosity and special thanks for helping with all of today's arrangements. Bar the initial hiccups, they have welcomed me into their family and never neglected to look after me as they would their own son. For this I am very grateful and I thank them.
I would like to thank my sisters Krithika & Renuka, my brother Ragho and my uncle Rajagopalan for coming a long way to share our day today. Their maturity and sense of awareness have helped me stay afloat during turbulent times as well as when I was simply being frivolous. They have played as much part in conditioning my life as my parents had in the past.
My thanks to Zita and Yovita for putting up with me and for quickly reconciling themselves to the fact that I will be their brother-in-law someday. A word of caution, those of you seated along with Yovita, eat quickly – else you will go home hungry tonight.
I would also like to say thank you to a few of my friends who have arrived here from overseas, Helen & Jean Augustin in particular. I also extend my thanks to the wedding organisers and the photographer. Don't forget to use powerful flashlights; you will need them.
Thank you all very much for the many cards I noticed at the entrance and for all the wonderful gifts, including some cheques. They are all much appreciated although you could have been more generous with the cheques.
As part of my research I discovered that according to the tradition in India I am supposed to sing the bride's praises and tell you all about her many good qualities. Well, that won’t be happening for two reasons: [1] I can't sing. You don't want me to sing, I promise you. [2] There aren't too many good qualities for me to actually put them into a song.
Just as I was entering the building, I recalled my father-in-law giving me some words of caution during our meeting at Singapore in September 1999. I thought he was just trying to scare me, but he was all right about Monica.
He said, I will give you:
One daughter in perfect condition with NO guarantees, NO warrantees, NO spare parts or accessories. Some extras provided though. Keep her topped up with only posh food. McDonalds, Pizza Hut and such are NO go zones. Shower her with expensive jewellery and lavish her with trips to exotic far away places. Likes cartoons and behaves childish way too often. Has a tendency to get irritable if she doesn't have the final say on everything. Sings loudly and does not shut up sometimes. Gets bored easily, keep busy with a constant supply of chores.
So, I presume – if my sister had to offer Monica any advice on who I really am, it will go like this.
She gives Monica:
One brother, assembled in a hurry. Sold as seen, no refunds under any circumstances. We've redecorated his room, changed our locks and even our phone number. We won't take him back - now you're stuck with him. The discolouration is not dirt. Vigorous scrubbing won't help, he is naturally black ! Gets de-hydrated quickly. Top him up regularly with plenty of red wine.
Well, that's me all done.
Back in 1901, U.S. president William McKinley was shot by some weirdo for making a long speech. Now I don’t much believe in signs and omens, but there is no point in tempting fate. I think I'll sit down. Thank you all very much.
Disclaimer: For the most part all of this would be original. Bits and bobs stolen from here and there in the public domain. 100% original work for something that is hypothetically supposed to have happened in 2002 ?? NO way !! [Nuggie, you are sleeping on the couch tonight !! DOH !!]
posted by Dingleberry Delight | 4:10 PM
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