Austin Powersu, Shexifullu
Before embarking on a trip overseas, you would ask yourself: What is it I want to see in Australia, Japan and so on? I was in Japan for 2 weeks recently; not a tourist though; Just on business. I had one weekend in between and my plan was to see as much as I could pack in those 2 days.
This is the story of How to not see anything in Japan in 2 weeks.
I was picked up by Hari, my cousin, from Narita at approx half past 6 in the evening. It turns out; Narita is an hour away from Tokyo even if you drive at break neck speed. Hari had brought a few of his friends to the airport and I thought he had brought the entire Indian population in Tokyo for a welcoming party.
It turns out Tokyo is fast turning into a Curry heaven. Every tenth person walking past you is an Indian in some capacity. Bizarre, they are all fluent in Japanese – capable of reading the Kanas and the Kanjis. They can blend in perfectly well and they would be, for all practical purposes, local Japanese – well, excepting their skin colour.
We gave some bull for an excuse to Hari's ever trusting wife and headed off to a Japanese pub. I have tried Asahi and I ain't taking that shit in Japan – unless I don't have a second option. I had some Kirin and I must say it is one of the best beers I have ever had. You can prepare yourself mentally for any trip to any remote corner in this world – AS LONG as it is Not Japan. Asahi is not just a beer maker, they make cold drinks, carbonated drinks, bottled water, even some hot beverages – I suppose coffee like. In every vending machine you would go to, it is all Asahi this and Asahi that. Hot coffee in a can? Well, in Japan you certainly can!!
I wasn't worried about food or anything petty like that; if I cannot communicate with people, how can I ask for what it is I want? Japanese just won't understand English if you speak with them as you would with me or Monica for example. You have to speak in Slow motion. Yoooooooou Haaaaaveeeeee ToOOooo SppeeeeeeeAkkkkuuuuu Sloooowuuuuu??
I was warned about this.
I decided to stick with the advises people had given me earlier. I spppppoooke slowly in the airport asking the policeman how to get to the “meeting point”in the arrivals hall. Funny thing is, in Japan you will never know if a person understood you or not. This policeman was vigorously nodding his head [as if saying YESSSSS Baaaby!!!!] but not a single word came out. I am standing there in front of him – after a 11 hour flight from Melbourne: Bloody bastard, say something.
I was aging too fast.
He took his walkie talky, said something on the darned gadget, gave it to me and I spoke on it. Some fellow on the other side answered [more like mumbled] and I knew it had to be English. I understood none of that. I said Thank you, ARRRRRIIIIGGaaaaato and buggered off from that area. Narita is old. It looks like Heathrow. Not clean, not neat, not bright. Simply, it is not like Singapore or Copenhagen or Melbourne. It looks dark and gloomy; I would say if you have been to Heathrow you would know what I am talking about.
My office was in Kawasaki and NEC had booked me into Toyoko Inn in Kawasaki. It turns out; my hotel was right in the middle of the red light district.
You go to work at eight in the morning and you catch the last train back to the hotel: at 11:45 in the night. [Yes, no jokes]. It happened almost everyday those 2 weeks I had stayed in Japan. When you come back that late in the night, the road that leads you to the hotel mysteriously transforms itself into semi naked Japanese women lane. You see pimps all around; they all walk towards you [especially if you carry a laptop] and show you a price list. OK. Imagine walking in Boat Quay in Singapore on a Friday night; by the time you cross the 100s of restaurants from one end to the other, you would have been troubled by a million people giving you all sorts of discounts and specials.
Japan is fast changing. In the trains, all the young people read English books – tutorials with words and translations and simple sentences. They are not shy so long as you do not speak a word with them.
The trains are quite. It is always full of people, people JUST DO NOT talk!! On the other hand, my colleague Paul [an Australian] and I [the half naked Indo-Pom] cannot shut up. We yap, joke about everything at work and crack up a riot. I bet all the Japanese around us took us for fools.
Japan is also the land of funny translations.
The toilets are electronic. They have this thingamajig that sprays water on your you know what after you do the dirty stuff. You can select the water temperature, speed etc. ONLY if you know what the fuck those buttons actually mean.
Unfortunately, the instructions are all in detailed Japanese and you find utmost one line in English meant for translation.
If you wash, press button Blue Temperature selecting End shower with Red depress
WHAT THE &*%((*@ ???
Road works:
I know what they mean to say: DANGER: Do not enter; Road work in progress. This is what you would normally see in Europe, Australia etc.
In Japan, they have to be colourful. A Orange board to indicate danger and Japanese directions in Bold, gigantic Fonts. English translation is just below Japanese.
DANGER: No penetration allowed while work is going
WHAT THE $!@*&^( ???
Japan also has a lot of cartoon characters for all sorts of advertisements. Milk, Yamaha, Music systems, Camera, Flights, McDonalds – Everything you can think off, they will have a cartoon character doing its bit for the industry.
In many places I saw billboards with the words FUKUFUJI. I am yet to find out what the heck it actually means.
Do you reckon it is Canon cleverly taking a dig at one of its major competitors, Fuji camera??
We went to Yokohama on a Friday night just to have some drinks. We started drinking at 9pm [yes left work early] and kept on drinking until 4:00 AM. I threw up on the roads, in the pubs, passed out on the roads. My colleagues had to take me to a taxi and drop me back at the hotel.
Russia has Vodka, Mexico the Tequila, Scotland the Whiskey – Japan has one that beats them all hands down. SOCHU!! The simplest way to explain this; Take one portion of Vodka, mix with an equal amount of Tequila and two portions of Whiskey. That would not equal one SOCHU!
They are still cleaning Yokohama as I write. In Japan, if you don't throw up, you have not had enough. It is quite common on a Friday night to see people pissing on the roads [may be into a river or a canal] or throwing up with special sound effects. Thank God, I did not have to feel awkward.
Everything is expensive. I went to a place called Roppungi [I am not sure about the spelling] with my cousin Hari and his mates. We had dinner at an Indian restaurant. Read my travel diary on Toulouse. Indian food in France is miles better than the one you get in Japan. Saddest part is that Indian food in France is crap!! Imagine how it is in Japan.
I wonder why Monica likes Japanese movies / serials etc. I think Japanese men are weird. They look like a cross between a parrot and a donkey's arse. I bet this is fashion in Japan; they have hair but no combs. I could not tell buildings apart; Is it a hospital, a mall, a restaurant?? I don’t know. I cannot read a thing. I am good with directions; in Japan I cannot operate by reading road names. I have to memorise pictures; well Kanji is a picture to me. All in all, I won't go back to Japan as a tourist; for work yes. There are plenty of things I can learn and when the opportunity comes up, I will give it a go. Nothing more to add.
This is the story of How to not see anything in Japan in 2 weeks.
I was picked up by Hari, my cousin, from Narita at approx half past 6 in the evening. It turns out; Narita is an hour away from Tokyo even if you drive at break neck speed. Hari had brought a few of his friends to the airport and I thought he had brought the entire Indian population in Tokyo for a welcoming party.
It turns out Tokyo is fast turning into a Curry heaven. Every tenth person walking past you is an Indian in some capacity. Bizarre, they are all fluent in Japanese – capable of reading the Kanas and the Kanjis. They can blend in perfectly well and they would be, for all practical purposes, local Japanese – well, excepting their skin colour.
We gave some bull for an excuse to Hari's ever trusting wife and headed off to a Japanese pub. I have tried Asahi and I ain't taking that shit in Japan – unless I don't have a second option. I had some Kirin and I must say it is one of the best beers I have ever had. You can prepare yourself mentally for any trip to any remote corner in this world – AS LONG as it is Not Japan. Asahi is not just a beer maker, they make cold drinks, carbonated drinks, bottled water, even some hot beverages – I suppose coffee like. In every vending machine you would go to, it is all Asahi this and Asahi that. Hot coffee in a can? Well, in Japan you certainly can!!
I wasn't worried about food or anything petty like that; if I cannot communicate with people, how can I ask for what it is I want? Japanese just won't understand English if you speak with them as you would with me or Monica for example. You have to speak in Slow motion. Yoooooooou Haaaaaveeeeee ToOOooo SppeeeeeeeAkkkkuuuuu Sloooowuuuuu??
I was warned about this.
I decided to stick with the advises people had given me earlier. I spppppoooke slowly in the airport asking the policeman how to get to the “meeting point”in the arrivals hall. Funny thing is, in Japan you will never know if a person understood you or not. This policeman was vigorously nodding his head [as if saying YESSSSS Baaaby!!!!] but not a single word came out. I am standing there in front of him – after a 11 hour flight from Melbourne: Bloody bastard, say something.
I was aging too fast.
He took his walkie talky, said something on the darned gadget, gave it to me and I spoke on it. Some fellow on the other side answered [more like mumbled] and I knew it had to be English. I understood none of that. I said Thank you, ARRRRRIIIIGGaaaaato and buggered off from that area. Narita is old. It looks like Heathrow. Not clean, not neat, not bright. Simply, it is not like Singapore or Copenhagen or Melbourne. It looks dark and gloomy; I would say if you have been to Heathrow you would know what I am talking about.
My office was in Kawasaki and NEC had booked me into Toyoko Inn in Kawasaki. It turns out; my hotel was right in the middle of the red light district.
You go to work at eight in the morning and you catch the last train back to the hotel: at 11:45 in the night. [Yes, no jokes]. It happened almost everyday those 2 weeks I had stayed in Japan. When you come back that late in the night, the road that leads you to the hotel mysteriously transforms itself into semi naked Japanese women lane. You see pimps all around; they all walk towards you [especially if you carry a laptop] and show you a price list. OK. Imagine walking in Boat Quay in Singapore on a Friday night; by the time you cross the 100s of restaurants from one end to the other, you would have been troubled by a million people giving you all sorts of discounts and specials.
Japan is fast changing. In the trains, all the young people read English books – tutorials with words and translations and simple sentences. They are not shy so long as you do not speak a word with them.
The trains are quite. It is always full of people, people JUST DO NOT talk!! On the other hand, my colleague Paul [an Australian] and I [the half naked Indo-Pom] cannot shut up. We yap, joke about everything at work and crack up a riot. I bet all the Japanese around us took us for fools.
Japan is also the land of funny translations.
The toilets are electronic. They have this thingamajig that sprays water on your you know what after you do the dirty stuff. You can select the water temperature, speed etc. ONLY if you know what the fuck those buttons actually mean.
Unfortunately, the instructions are all in detailed Japanese and you find utmost one line in English meant for translation.
If you wash, press button Blue Temperature selecting End shower with Red depress
WHAT THE &*%((*@ ???
Road works:
I know what they mean to say: DANGER: Do not enter; Road work in progress. This is what you would normally see in Europe, Australia etc.
In Japan, they have to be colourful. A Orange board to indicate danger and Japanese directions in Bold, gigantic Fonts. English translation is just below Japanese.
DANGER: No penetration allowed while work is going
WHAT THE $!@*&^( ???
Japan also has a lot of cartoon characters for all sorts of advertisements. Milk, Yamaha, Music systems, Camera, Flights, McDonalds – Everything you can think off, they will have a cartoon character doing its bit for the industry.
In many places I saw billboards with the words FUKUFUJI. I am yet to find out what the heck it actually means.
Do you reckon it is Canon cleverly taking a dig at one of its major competitors, Fuji camera??
We went to Yokohama on a Friday night just to have some drinks. We started drinking at 9pm [yes left work early] and kept on drinking until 4:00 AM. I threw up on the roads, in the pubs, passed out on the roads. My colleagues had to take me to a taxi and drop me back at the hotel.
Russia has Vodka, Mexico the Tequila, Scotland the Whiskey – Japan has one that beats them all hands down. SOCHU!! The simplest way to explain this; Take one portion of Vodka, mix with an equal amount of Tequila and two portions of Whiskey. That would not equal one SOCHU!
They are still cleaning Yokohama as I write. In Japan, if you don't throw up, you have not had enough. It is quite common on a Friday night to see people pissing on the roads [may be into a river or a canal] or throwing up with special sound effects. Thank God, I did not have to feel awkward.
Everything is expensive. I went to a place called Roppungi [I am not sure about the spelling] with my cousin Hari and his mates. We had dinner at an Indian restaurant. Read my travel diary on Toulouse. Indian food in France is miles better than the one you get in Japan. Saddest part is that Indian food in France is crap!! Imagine how it is in Japan.
I wonder why Monica likes Japanese movies / serials etc. I think Japanese men are weird. They look like a cross between a parrot and a donkey's arse. I bet this is fashion in Japan; they have hair but no combs. I could not tell buildings apart; Is it a hospital, a mall, a restaurant?? I don’t know. I cannot read a thing. I am good with directions; in Japan I cannot operate by reading road names. I have to memorise pictures; well Kanji is a picture to me. All in all, I won't go back to Japan as a tourist; for work yes. There are plenty of things I can learn and when the opportunity comes up, I will give it a go. Nothing more to add.
posted by Dingleberry Delight | 5:41 AM
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